A Precious Providential Gift

Who can ever know or anticipate the ways of God? He is a God who works wonders, and His Providence never ceases to surprise and amaze me! Earlier today I wrote about Beau and letting go of pain and grief in order to live life fully and abundantly. Even in just writing about it, my soul began to feel the relief of letting go. And then we got a text from Eric.

His text was very simple: "It's a boy!"

The joy that has welled up in our hearts is beyond telling. Again and again this year we have seen the Lord redeem our loss and pain, and though this little boy is not a replacement for Beau, he is a beautiful example of the Lord's love for Eric and Kelly and for the rest of us, too. His own little story-short as it is thus far-is also a beautiful example of the Lord's redemption and love. This precious one is a great gift from the Lord and I can't wait to welcome him home!

Letting Go

It's hard to let go of those we love, even when they have gone on to live in heavenly places. But for life and redemption to continue, we must let go and go on ourselves. Does this mean I will forget Beau, or deem him less worthy of my thoughts? Not at all. It means I can let go of the grief and the pain while remaining thankful for Beau's life.

So, as part of loving and letting go, I've planned a couple of little things to do to honor Beau on his birthday and home going. They may seem silly to you, but it works for me! :-) All year I've been saving hotel toiletries, and have three full bags to take to the Ronald McDonald House in memory of Beau and in gratitude to the RMH who comfortably housed us and supplied us with all we needed during our stay there. Then on Beau's home going day I'll head out to the cemetery and release a balloon to help me remember that he has indeed returned to the Father and I am free to let him go. A new day dawns and we hold the former days in our hearts with thanksgiving.

Nancy Guthrie, in her book Hope, writes of her own experiences of letting go:

"There is a tyranny in grief. We realize at some point that we have to figure out how to keep on living, how to incorporate the loss into our lives. We want to feel normal again, to feel joy again. But the energy and emotion of grief keeps us feeling close to the one we love or connected to what we've lost. Letting go of our grief feels like letting go of the one we love, leaving him or her behind and moving on. The very idea of it is unbearable.

I suppose we have a choice. We can hold on to the pain, accepting the misery it brings if it means we won't have to move forward with the emptiness. Or we can release it, process it, talk about it, cry over it, let it wash over us, and then let it wash away with our tears. We can make the painful choice to let it go-not all at once, but a little every day. We begin to find that we have the choice of whether or not we will let ourselves sink to that place of unbearable pain when the flashes or memories and reminders of loss pierce our hearts. And we can begin to make that hard choice. We can begin to let go of our grief so we can grab hold of life and those who are living. But I think the only way we can do that is by telling ourselves the truth-that if we choose to let go of the pain, or at least let it become manageable, it does not mean we love the one we've lost any less. And it doesn't mean that person's life was any less significant or meaningful, or that we will forget.

A couple of Sundays ago, a friend who had recently lost her husband stopped me after church to talk. "I cry at the office, cry all the way home, and then cry all evening," she told me ... while crying. And I cried with her.

"Wasn't your husband worthy of a great sorrow?" I asked her. When you love something or someone, the process of letting go is a painful one that takes some time, and it need not be rushed. Nor should it be avoided altogether. We feel the pain, mourn the loss, shed our tears, and with time we can begin to let go of the grief that has had such a hold on us. Perhaps it's not so much that we let go of our grief, but more that we give our grief permission to lessen its grip on us."

"Do you ever get over this?" I had asked Uncle Victor through tears. "No," he replied in a choked voice, "But you learn to live with it." Key word - live. And so we can indeed love, let go, and live.

Happy Birthday, Beau

In just a few days it will be the one year anniversary of Beau's birth and a few days afterwards, that of his death. We lived. We cried. We sorrowed. But we lived. And in that living we drew closer to God in a way we'd not known before, mining deeper the treasures of his love, redeeming the loss and the pain.

"C.S. Lewis said, "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." God uses the physical pain that does not subside, the relational pain that puts us on edge, the emotional pain that brings us to tears, to get our attention and to turn our attention toward him. Is that how God has used pain in your life? Do you find yourself praying more often, thinking more deeply, searching more urgently for the truth? When pain invades the busyness of our routine existence, it insists that we reexamine our assumptions and reevaluate our appetites and affections, doesn't it? Pain often affords us-or imposes on us-time for reflection. If we will accept it, pain can give us the gift of reconnection with God, a fresh intimacy with him, a passionate nearness to him. Pain brings us to our knees. We begin with prayers for our pain to be removed. And as he works in us, our prayers change so that we begin to asks that the pain will be redeemed." (Hope by Nancy Guthrie)

Thank you, Father, for the birthday gifts you have given us through the birth and death of dear Beau, and through the pain and redemption of his loss.

Birthdays and Jump-jumps

Last week John and I had the great joy of having ALL of our children and grandchildren under our roof and round our table. It was wonderful! We had lots of fun occasions with one of them being Kristin's birthday. In fact, these are about all the photos I took of our gathering - I was too busy having fun. So girls, send me some of yours, okay?

The cake has arrived! Katie made a white cake with peach filling - delicious!

My fun-loving three!

Sisters. They were being silly sisters to be sure!

Eric and Kelly enjoying the moment.

Waaay back in 1990, we surprised the kids with a trampoline for Christmas. Katie was two years old - about to turn 3, at the time. Flash forward 19 years and here's Katie on the very same trampoline! We can't believe it's still useable. Gilbert calls it the "Jump-jump", and he, too, has loved it since he was 2. (But, of course that's only been one year!)

Here are Katie and Gilbert having a grand old jump-jump time.

No longer air-borne.

The final three shots are of Gilbert doing his thing on the jump-jump. Since he has 100x more energy than all of us put together, we ALL love the jump-jump!

Ginger in the Leaves, or Camo Kitty

Early evening yesterday was cloudy and wet, just perfect for causing the fall colors to stand out vividly against the grey. As I roamed about the farm, Ginger the barn cat followed me around for a while and became a camera subject herself. It was fun to see how her tiger-striped tabby coloration made for very good fall-leaf camouflage. (To get a better representation of the colors, click on the image to enlarge it.)

Thinking on Beau

The power of the imagination is very real. When scripture admonishes us in Romans 12:2 to renew our minds, it's teaching us to discern what is good and acceptable, helping us not to be conformed to this world which is full of sorrow and death.

When we had Beau with us here on earth for those short eight days, I concentrated completely on memorizing every little feature, wrinkle, and movement because I knew it was all I would know of him in this world. I photographed him continually, hoping to capture all those things. Along with his Mommy and Daddy and a few others, I was with him when he died and observed him in his death. And then when he was buried, a great part of my heart and mind were buried, also.

Later in the spring, as I undertook counseling sessions, it became apparent to me that I was still enmeshed in Beau's death and burial, and had not lifted the eyes of my heart to see the truth - that Beau was alive and with the Father! In order to begin the transformation of my mind, my counselor advised me to look for things - a picture perhaps - that would help me to focus on what was real and true, and so I did.

In 1 Samuel 2, Hannah gives her little boy, Samuel, to God; to serve Him in His own house. Verse 21 tells us, "... And the young man Samuel grew in the presence of the Lord." That was it! Now, I don't know if babies actually grow up in heaven, or if they stay babies, or become adults; but this was the comfort I was looking for, and the eye of my mind could imagine this image clearly - Beau was growing up in the presence of the Lord, at the feet of Jesus! And what better place to grow up? No sin, no sorrow; just joy and goodness. Colossians 3: 1-4 tells us to set our minds on things above, not on things of the earth. It is there, not here, that we will find what we are looking for. So now my heart and mind can begin to learn contentment in truth - Beau is not here, he is with the Lord who loves him perfectly.

A Few Good Men

Anyone out there looking for a good man? Or is there anyone out there wanting to BE a good man, but doesn't have a role model to learn from? It seems that good men are hard to find these days!

Proverbs 31 gives us a great example of a godly woman, and we find qualifiers for Elders and Deacons in the New Testament which gives us a good idea of what a godly man should look like, but there is a description of the young man David, prior to his kingship, that really jumped out at me as a great example of a godly man.

1 Samuel 16:18 says, "One of the young men answered, "Behold, I have seen a son of Jesse the Bethlehemite, who is skillful in playing, a man of valor, a man of war, prudent in speech, and a man of good presence, and the Lord is with him."

Still just a young man, David already has a good reputation among the people. That's something to think about when a young lady is considering a young man. Is he held in high regard, or does he have a reputation that's less than desirable? No one should be making excuses for him.

David was skillful in playing the lyre. A man should not despise the arts as being silly or feminine. Chest-beating lifestyles depict a man who is insecure. A godly man recognizes and values the gifts of art that God gives to men and gives time to knowing them better.

David was a man of valor. Remember Chivalry? It seems to have gone completely out of mind in our day and age. A godly man remembers Chivalry - he is a man of virtue, a servant of God and of man.

David was a man of war. This doesn't mean that he went around picking a fight. In the Psalms he continually pleaded with God to deliver him from his enemies that he might have peace. However, David knew how to protect and defend, and he was obedient to God to drive out the enemy and establish the Kingdom in its place. So does any godly man.

David was prudent in speech. A godly man knows when to speak and when to be quiet and listen - he guards his mouth. His speech is not that of a fool, throwing words into the wind or speaking only in order to impress. A godly man's word is well-considered and carries weight.

David was a man of good presence. Like his speech, a godly man carefully considers his ways. He continually asks God, 'Will this glorify you if I do it?"

And most important of all these characteristics, the Lord was with David. In order for a man to be godly, he must - of course! - be with the Lord. Any man who isn't cannot possess the virtues listed above, for it is only by the Spirit of the Lord that any of us can walk in righteousness. This is a point that cannot be denied or ignored. Even when David sinned, he had a heart of repentance unto restoration and this only comes from walking with God.

So, ladies, if you are considering marriageable men you would do well to keep a Biblical example in mind. And remember, the scripture says he was ruddy and handsome and that's a good thing, too! Young men, if you are looking for a good role model for manhood, look first of all to your Lord and Savior, and then consider King David. Be one of those few on the narrow path - seek out Godliness as shown in the Scripture and in your older Christian brothers so that you will be able to disciple others, also. There are good men that can be found after all - now go find them!