Almost 7 months ago we sat in the family area outside of the Neo-Natal Intensive Care unit absorbing, or maybe not absorbing, the hard, hard news of Beau's terminal diagnosis. As we mentally and emotionally scratched and clawed for a hand hold on the plummet downward, we found underneath us the Everlasting Arms.
As we began to feel the comfort of those Arms we could begin exploring His Word, and in doing so began journaling all that He was speaking to us. There was one tiny verse in Exodus that spoke to me then, and today it speaks even more surely to my soul.
"... I bore you on eagles' wings and brought you to myself." Exodus 19:4b
God does not abandon us at the time of our greatest need, whether it is the death of a loved one or our own death. It is, in fact, when He sends His most powerful agents to aid us. The strength of His Spirit sustained us at that awful time and drew us near to Him, and it was a remarkable, holy time; even in the midst of great loss and grief.
But needs continue. Loss and grief continues, and what then? Day to day living - even though God hasn't changed and our belief in Him hasn't changed - grinds harder and more slowly. How do we live through such loss and grief? Is it even possible to live? And finally we grind to a halt. There is no more strength, no more joy, no more life. We have come to the end of things, to the end of ourselves; and then He sends the eagles.
In my case, the eagles were those who recognized the desperateness of my situation and walked with me daily, calling on me, and helping me to find myself for I had become lost. They listened to me and cried with me. They sat with me, prayed for me, and slowly began to guide me out of the dark cavern where I was. It was as if I began to awaken from a terrible, drug-induced nightmare to the realization that life can be new again. I can have hope. The film Lord of the Rings: Return of the King portrays this so beautifully. Frodo has managed to throw the ring into the fire of Mt. Doom, and he and Sam - having given all - lie spent on the rock as destruction rages around them, fully expecting to die. At that point, the eagles arrive and gently take them up, bearing them away to safety, comfort, and healing. And so our Heavenly Father sends his own eagles to bear us to Him.
This, too, is how I imagine our little Beau - gently lifted away by the angels and the great eagle to be borne sweetly and triumphantly to the Father in heaven who called His littlest lamb home. It has been hard letting go of our beautiful baby, but I think I finally can. I can begin the journey of healing, thankful for who Beau is, where he is, and all that he led us in. Yesterday when we visited his grave site, though my heart was sad, the great searing pain was gone. Beau lives on and so will I, thanks be to God who sends His eagles to bear us to Himself.
